Epitaph
by Victoria Quynn
Summary: The McFaddens help one of their own through a loss.
1. Chapter 1

Epitaph

As dawn light filtered through lace curtains on the kitchen window at the Circle Bar Seven, Evan McFadden stomped through the back door into the mud room on his rush to the kitchen. He yelled, "Daniel!" The teenager bumped into his sister-in-law, who frowned.

"He's not down yet, Evan," Hannah informed, "and please don't go yelling in my ear."

"Great. Now I have to start his chores, too. Just gonna be late." The almost seventeen-year-old went from disgusted to sheepish. "Sorry."

"It's okay," she acknowledged as she stepped past him.

Brian looked up from the griddle where he had pancakes and bacon grilling. "Don't worry about it. Time's a'wastin. One of us'll get to it after breakfast."

As Evan smiled and replied, "Thanks, Bri," Hannah handed him a stack of plates. He commenced setting the table as Ford and Guthrie set down silverware and small glasses of juice.

Oldest brother Adam took the percolator off the stove and began pouring coffee. He handed mugs to Brian and Hannah before sipping from one himself and setting three more on the table at Crane's, Daniel's, and Evan's places before returning it to the stove.

Daniel McFadden entered the kitchen. "Did someone call me?"

"I did." Evan looked up from his task. "Thought I'd have to do your chores with you sleeping in, but Brian said not to worry about it."

Brian flipped a pancake. "Just this once."

Daniel made a face at his next-youngest sibling. "I wasn't sleeping in, Evan. I didn't sleep too well with Crane coming in late." With a gesture from Adam, he grabbed the milk bottle, poured two glasses, and chugged the rest of the bottle himself.

As Daniel set the milk at Ford's and Guthrie's places, Adam noted, "I didn't hear a thing. What time did he get in?"

"I don't know. Woke me up but I didn't notice the time," Daniel said rubbing one eye and yawning.

"About three. Woke me up too," Brian added as he brought a big platter of pancakes to the table. "Figure he'll be out 'til lunch."

"Or later. He must be exhausted," Adam said.

Guthrie took his seat. "Why bother coming home so late? I think I'd just stay at the hotel another night." Several of his brothers nodded in agreement.

"Maybe because after being away so long, he'd rather sleep in his own bed," Hannah addressed Guthrie.

"Four days isn't that long," the youngest McFadden replied. "It's not like going on a real vacation, like a week or more."

"Bakersfield isn't what I'd call a vacation spot, Guth. Crane was there on business," Brian reminded him.

"I know, but it would be great to just get away from here for a while. Adam, maybe …?"

Brian furrowed his brow. "Maybe when we have the money, Half-stuff."

Guthrie whined, "Now you're beginning to sound like Crane." He looked at the empty place across from him. "Lucky he gets to go somewhere else."

Adam set a platter of bacon on the table. He was the last of those present not seated. "Squirt, what's this whining about a vacation? It doesn't sound like you."

Ford looked up from his plate. "Guthrie's teacher made the class write about what they'd like to do this summer for homework."

On their side of the table, Daniel looked beyond Ford at his youngest brother. "Summer's a long way off, Guth. Winter's barely over."

"I know …"

Hannah reached over to rub Guthrie's back. "Cheer up, Guth. I'm sure we'll be able to get a camping trip in sometime."

Guthrie's voice muffled in reply. "We go camping plenty of times. It's not the same."

As Adam took his seat, he exchanged a look with Brian before glancing at Crane's empty place. "Not promising, but we'll see what Crane has to report."

Guthrie and Ford wore excited expressions. The younger asked, "You mean it, Adam?"

The elder brother rolled his eyes. "I just said, no promises."

The two youngest brothers grinned and high-fived each other.

As the pancake platter reached Adam, the phone rang. He sighed. "At this hour?" He rose. "I'll get it."

"Might be the school," Hannah called after him. "Remember the emergency last month when the power was out at the high school."

Four pairs of student eyes looked expectantly at each other. They collectively held their breath.

Adam walked into the front room and picked up the phone on the desk. He tried to ignore the din of kitchen chairs scraping. "Hello? … Hi. Haven't seen you in a long time. How is …? Um …" He glanced upstairs, then back to the living room, noticing several of his brothers listening in on the call. "No, he's not up yet." He saw disappointed looks on his younger brothers' faces and brought a hand to his free ear as they trailed back to the kitchen. "Can I take a message?" He listened, staring out the window, his voice quiet, expression grim. "I'm sorry." He sighed. "Yes. Yes, I understand. I'll tell him. Thanks. Bye."

Adam replaced the receiver in the cradle and looked out the window. The sun, now halfway above the horizon, lightened the new day, but did nothing for his sinking heart. Feeling his eyes moisten, he closed them, dropping his head into one hand.

"Adam?" Hannah approached her husband from the rear and hugged him, her hands reaching around to his front. He wrapped an arm around hers, raising his head and sighing. They each half turned to face each other. She noticed his red-rimmed eyes and murmured, "What is it?"

He looked at her and sighed again. Lips pursed, he shook his head. Rubbing her shoulder, he shrugged and glanced upstairs, squeezing her hand as he left her embrace. He seemed to carry the weight of the world on weary shoulders as he climbed the stairs.

~~00oo00~~

Adam paused outside Crane and Daniel's bedroom. Why did he have to be the bearer of bad news? Of course, lest he need reminding, he was the one who had taken the call. Good thing one of the younger boys had not picked up. This was heavy stuff, adult stuff, although it affected the young as well. They were bound to find out at some point. Their small part of the world was as prone to gossip, if not more so, than the bigger parts of it. All the more reason to let Crane know sooner than later, to hear it from him and not some idle chatter from the boys, or worse yet, someone else.

But, still, he hesitated to knock. Perhaps he should wait until Crane woke up and had something to eat. But this would just ruin his day. Damn, it was already wrecking Adam's day.

To Adam, his brother's getting in so late meant one thing: He wanted to be back in his own bed, under his own roof, within the comfort and familiarity of his family after so much crazy BS he had likely endured at the association's annual meeting. If it also signalled Crane's success in procuring a deal to further the ranch's income or defeat and wanting to lick his wounds, Adam had no idea. But, doubtless the third oldest was exhausted. Those meetings meant hobnobbing from morning to night with the fat cats and smaller outfits like theirs. He sighed. He could put it off, but no, better to get it out of the way,

And so he knocked lightly and entered. He smiled briefly as he watched the third in the family in slumber, lying peacefully under a blanket and quilt. His gaze found the dream catcher on the wall above Crane's bed. A reminder. She had given it to him so long ago, to catch their collective dreams, she said. Adam eyed it ruefully, then returned his attention to his brother. Even in sleep, Crane was neat and tidy, ordered, no jumbled covers here. His long form on his side, he was dead to the world. Adam gulped. There was that word. There was no easy way to do this.

He sat on the bed, laying a tentative hand on Crane's shoulder. His brother moaned, a hand swatting at the touch. Adam squeezed lightly and held on.

"Umm … what?"

"Hey." Adam's voice was soft.

"We need hay?" Crane grinned sleepily.

"No."

Crane reached a hand to his eyes. Rubbing, he shifted to his back. "Can't anybody get any sleep around here?"

Adam rubbed Crane's shoulder. He sat stone-faced.

"You're cheerful this morning." Crane's voice reached a more awake tone. "What's going on?"

Adam sighed. "I don't know how to say this."

Crane propped himself up on one elbow. "Say what?"

The elder brother paused. "Mrs. Slater called a few minutes ago."

"Early."

"Yeah." Adam regarded Crane, his eyes moistening again.

Crane stared into space, his mind trying to catch up with his woken state. Mrs. Slater? Their ranch? No. What else? A realization. His breath caught. "No! No! Beth?"

Finally, Adam spoke. "I'm sorry, bro."

Crane tried to speak through tears. "When?"

"Just last night."

"How?"

Adam closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "What you'd suspect."

Crane turned away from Adam and crashed, sniffling, back to the pillow. Adam held tight to his shoulder.

Just then Daniel came rushing in, singing a song. Seeing a somber Adam and an upset Crane, he stopped. "What's going on?"

Adam eyed him. He bit his lip a moment, and scolded, "Don't you know how to knock?!"

Daniel's voice caught. "Uh, it's my room. I forgot my notebook. Sorry." He stood frozen for a moment and repeated, "What's going on?"

Adam closed his eyes to compose himself. Sighing, he spoke as evenly as he could muster. "I'm sorry, Daniel. Please. Get to school."

Daniel, open-mouthed, was speechless. Finally, he turned. "Sure."

Adam watched him leave and close the door behind him without a sound. His focus returned to Crane. As his brother's soft snuffles evened out, Adam relaxed his grip on Crane's shoulder. Standing, he listened to his brother breathe. This was bound to be a restless sleep. His thoughts reminded him that their old-fashioned, quiet slice of an increasingly busy and crazy world was not immune from what once seemed only like big city problems. One could not hide from them, and try as they might, they had to face them head on even if the result was the tragedy they faced now. He said a silent prayer to keep his brothers safe from their intrusion and, more immediately, to help Crane and all of them through this.


	2. Chapter 2

Adam stopped in the bathroom to rinse his face and compose himself. He was surprised how much the news had upset him. But, on the other hand, how could it not? Although none of them had seen her in a long time, he had known and was fond of Beth Slater since she and Crane were freshmen in high school.

Returning to the kitchen, he found Hannah alone, cleaning up from breakfast. His and Crane's places at table remained set.

"Honey, is there any coffee left?"

"Just put a fresh pot on." Her concern still evident, she asked, "Is everything okay?"

"No." He glanced out the window. "Brian in the barn?"

"Uh huh. He figured he'd better get Daniel's chores out of the way before doing anything else." She glanced at the stove. "Coffee's done. And I kept your breakfast warm."

"Sorry, not hungry right now."

Hoping levity would help, Hannah affected a Southern accent. "Adam McFadden, I do declare you've got to eat something if you're gonna have the strength to get out there and do heavy lifting and other manly chores!" She giggled, and he pulled her into a hug, holding tight, tighter. "Adam, I can't breathe."

He freed her from his arms and was contrite. "I'm sorry, honey." How he wished they could start this day over. If only … He jumped at a crash.

"Adam, relax. It's just that broken panel on the washer. It won't stay attached when the rinse cycle begins."

"This house is a sinking ship, and sometimes I feel like the captain going down with it. I'll look at it later."

As Hannah stepped into the laundry room, he poured two cups of coffee. The aroma enticed him, but after a sip, he made a face. The coffee was bitterer than he remembered it tasting before. Par for the course. What else would it be in the next minute or hour? Maybe he should just call it a day and go back to bed. He glanced at the clock. It was only nine a.m.

She returned and caught him sighing. "That's becoming a habit."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing and tell me what's going on."

"Okay." He began, "The call was for Crane. It's not easy to talk about."

They both looked up at the sound of the back door as Brian came in. "You talking about Beth?"

Adam did a double-take. "How'd you know?"

"Ed Walker pulled over when he saw me outside the barn. Said Beth had passed. It's all over town." He thought a moment. "Was that Mrs. Slater on the phone before?"

"Yeah."

"Sad news, but not exactly unexpected."

The eldest nodded. "That's for sure."

"I suppose Jeb'll be coming back from San Francisco to be with his family." Brian reached for the coffee pot. "How'd Crane take it?"

Adam could feel his composure start to evaporate. "Hard."

Brian was as introspective as he got. "Figured he would. He won't be any use around here for a day or two."

Adam crossed his arms. "Yeah. We'll have to be there for him."

Hannah followed the conversation from brother to brother. "This sounds like a funeral."

"Sorry, honey. Did you know the Slaters?"

She replied softly, "No."

Adam related. "They live on the other side of town. After the parents divorced, Mr. Slater left the area, and Mrs. Slater was left with no job, four kids to feed, and a rundown ranch she couldn't afford. We were rich all these years compared to them."

Brian continued. "I was friends with Jeb, and his sister Beth was the same age as Crane, and just as quiet, like Ford is now. So we introduced them when they reached high school figuring they could keep each other company." He chuckled. "You know, we senior big brothers not wanting to have to watch out for the freshmen younger ones. That wasn't cool."

Hannah smiled.

Adam spoke again. "Well, long story short, Crane and Beth became really good friends and then started dating. His first girlfriend. He was head over heels about her and really started coming out of his shell. We had her to thank for that."

Adam and Brian shared a soulful and knowing gaze. Finally, Brian announced, "This is where I get off. I'll just get mad and want to punch somebody out." He went back outside.

Hannah looked puzzled. "What was that all about?

"He gets mad thinking about it. Guess I do too sometimes."

"Why?"

"Because of what happened." He continued. "Somehow Beth fell in with a group of kids who were doing drugs and wanted Crane to join her. He knew better. Broke his heart, but he did the right thing and broke up with her. He tried to still be her friend, but it put distance between them and was never the same. He was devastated."

Adam breathed deeply. To Hannah, he seemed to be staring at a mirror, reflecting back through the years.

"Anyway, after that, she was in and out of rehab. When he went to Davis, the change of scene helped him start to forget, but then she got better and went there, too. After a while, they got back together, and Brian and me …" He shrugged. "Well, we worried but they were adults and had to make their own decisions. And she was clean for a long time and we were hopeful they'd make it. But eventually she started using again. Crane broke it off and almost left school because of it. Instead, she dropped out and we talked him into staying. And last night …" He closed his eyes and his voice cracked. "Oh Hannah, last night she od'd."

"Adam, I'm so sorry." Hannah's voice caught.

Her husband looked out the window. The coffee was not the only bitter thing at play. "So am I. And God help me for saying it, but it was just a matter of time. But it's still a shock." He turned to her. "Aw, honey, she was such a sweet girl, but once that stuff got a hold of her. And what it did to Crane." He threw up his hands. His eyes welling, Hannah pulled him into an embrace.

~~00oo00~~

Late that morning Crane came downstairs. Fully dressed and a man on a mission, he grabbed coffee in the kitchen before heading to the desk. Rifling through a couple of drawers, he stacked three different ledgers and brought them back to the kitchen, where he methodically filled a canteen with water and thermos with coffee, put everything into a daypack, and shrugged into his jacket.

Adam and Hannah came in the front door at the same time Crane looked out the window at the driveway.

"Where's the jeep?" he asked.

Hannah greeted, "Good morning, or should it be good afternoon?"

Crane was sheepish. "Sorry. Morning." He could feel two sets of eyes scrutinizing him like a prize pig at the county fair.

Adam asked, "You okay?"

Crane sighed. "I guess."

Hannah offered, "Breakfast or lunch?"

Crane shook his head. "Not hungry."

Hannah quipped, "That's becoming quite a habit around here."

Adam put a hand on his shoulder. "Going somewhere?"

"Yeah." He repeated, "Where's the jeep?"

"The boys took it to school. They're going to the movies afterwards."

Crane emerged from the singular fog that enveloped him. "All four of them? Do you know how much that costs?"

Adam chuckled, happy to see a spark of his brother's normal self. "Relax. Daniel's treating them all for helping with the equipment last week."

Crane took in that bit of news, relieved. "Okay." He thought on his feet. "Does anyone need the truck?"

Adam replied, "We don't. Not sure about Brian."

As if on cue, the second eldest came through the door. "I heard that. Nope, a horse'll do for what I need."

Adam fished the keys out of his pocket and handed them over. "You sure you're okay?"

Crane shook his head. There was no use in trying to make light of how he felt. He had seen the dark circles under his eyes in the bathroom mirror. "Just want a change of scene to get some work done."

Adam pulled Crane close, but realized the longer he kept his little brother there, the better a chance the kid would lose it. "Go ahead. Relax a little if you can, huh?"

"Yeah."

Adam added, "And be home in time for dinner. If not, I'm sending out the troops."

"Yes, dad." Crane managed a brief smile, which Adam returned with a ruffle of his hair. He started for the door, but paused and turned. "Umm, is there going to be a service?"

Adam replied, "No. The family might scatter ashes, but nothing formal."

Crane stood frozen, uncertain for a moment. Finally, uncomfortable under the gaze of three pairs of concerned eyes, he headed out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

After stopping to top off the tank, Crane took a few back roads and drove to a secluded spot, not the more remote one he originally intended with the jeep but a pretty place as well. Pretty, though, was an understatement. The place was breathtaking. The Sierra foothills beckoned with the promise of new life in spring, and one could follow nature's awakening all the way up the mountains for weeks after it began down below.

All the McFadden boys reveled in the natural beauty of their surroundings. It was in their blood. They likely would not all stay in the area once grown, but Crane had little doubt they would all return when they could.

He was content on the ranch. The few times his parents had taken them away for a few days to see the ocean or camping were fun, but being gone for more than a short time held little appeal for him. Home was where his heart was. What a cliché! He smiled at the thought. He might change his mind one day, sure, but his time away in college was enough for now.

Beth.

Shaking off the thought, he turned to setting up his outdoor work space. He found a sleeping bag in the truck and threw it on the grass as ground cover. Someone had probably forgotten to return it to the shed.

He sometimes drove to out-of-the-way spots like this to get work done away from the house. The distractions inherent with so many in one space sometimes played havoc with his concentration. His younger brothers might coax him to help with homework, jam, or lend an ear. The older ones and Hannah inquired as to room in the budget or what his opinion was on some issue. Right now he felt the need to buckle down, both with proposals and possibilities fresh in his mind from the meetings and to keep from dwelling on the news that greeted his arrival home.

He sat down on the sleeping bag and spread the contents of the daypack around him. Seeking to get numbers down on paper, he would work them through all different ways from Sunday until they stretched to fit an ever increasing demand for finite funds.

~~00oo00~~

Time stands still for no one, it is said, and seems to fly more so when one is occupied. Crane did not notice the change of light from late morning to mid-afternoon. Finding the thermos empty, he reached for the canteen. Water slaked the thirst coffee induced, although the bitter taste had hit his mood just right.

But was he really bitter? That was a good question. Yes, at one time certainly, but now? Time eases pain and filters memories. They fade and fray at the edges, like sepia-toned photographs in old family albums. He had heard an analogy once about strong emotions being like the equal and opposite reaction found in physics: that where there is love, there could also be hate. He hated the addiction that drove them apart, but her? No, he never hated her. Disappointed, oh yeah. That's where the bitter fit in. Hopes and dreams dashed, but they were so young, in high school at first, but both wise and circumspect beyond their years. Family circumstances had seen to that – for one, death; the other, divorce.

He lay down and looked up at the sky. The sun to the southwest had retreated behind cottony clouds, the early spring sky a perfect blue to complement them. He closed his eyes. Playing upon his senses, the breeze, light earlier in the day, now whistled dirge-like in his ears. At quiet, contemplative times like these, music was his voice, and how he wished he had his guitar. But he had rushed out of the house in an attempt to run from rueful thoughts, not embrace them. Here, however, in the stillness of an afternoon, he realized he could neither contain them nor put them off. Denial now would breed misery later. And so, he breathed deeply and let them happen.

Since their final breakup, he had seen Beth twice. The first time was a couple of years ago while he waited to pick up the boys at school. He saw her across the parking lot in her car, perhaps also waiting for a younger sibling. She did not seem to notice him, but that brief glimpse brought it all back. It took him a couple of days to sort out the feelings he thought had been tucked away for the final time and discovered he still loved her, though in a bittersweet way, time having tempered the pull.

The last time was about a year ago in town, passing each other on the street. It was awkward at best. They stopped and exchanged a few pleasantries about family and discovered not much had changed in their lives since college. At least that was the conclusion he reached when she skirted his question about how she was doing. She was never a good liar, and he appreciated the honesty, albeit via a non-answer. Then, a very tentative and hurried, "See you around," and she was off.

That encounter left him blank. But, lest the past slap him in the face as it had last time, he poured himself into physical work for a couple of days so that sheer exhaustion had him asleep as soon as he hit the pillow, and dreamless.

At the very least, he wished her the best. He figured she would work out her demons and live as well as she could and they would run into each other sometime. But, now, that was an impossibility. It all left him unsettled.

He yawned, rubbed his eyes. Deep feelings could weary a wakeful mind. A tired one? Forget it. He could fall asleep here and wake long after he should be home. Not exactly the time to be worrying the family if he were late. Doubtless Adam really would have the troops out after him. So, he rose and stretched, surveying the area. Exercise would energize him. Sighting a nearby trailhead, he packed up the truck and threw the canteen over his shoulder.

Starting down a trail he knew to be scenic, he stopped after a half mile, mesmerized by the grandeur. Birds of prey soared, their wingspans his full height or better, and their aerial search for dinner never-ending. Songbirds serenaded him. He reminisced. Both he and Daniel had borrowed their rhythms for a chord here, a riff there. Their parents played and imparted music to them from an early age. It was a constant, a reminder of home …

Oh shit! Dinner. The sun making its race to the west, he would have to chase daylight to make it back in time. A determined pace had him in the truck and on his way before the sun left the horizon.

~~00oo00~~

As at breakfast, the McFadden kitchen at the dinner hour bustled with activity. Each assigned one task and moving on to the next, stepping out of each other's way in the tight space, the cooking, table setting, and beverage placement made its way finished in short order.

Appetizing aromas filled the air. In honor of Crane's homecoming, his favorite, a simple roast beef, rested on a platter. Brian readied the knife and slicing began. Mashed turnips, carrots, and biscuits rounded out the meal.

With one missing, the family kept their ears attuned for the truck. Finally, just in time to sit down, they heard a familiar sound and headlights filled the front room. They relaxed.

Crane entered and dropped the daypack on the desk chair and took off his jacket. The three youngest greeted him. They had not seen him in five days.

A backslap from Evan and side-hug from Ford accompanied the "Hey, Crane! Welcome home."

Guthrie hugged his brother close before looking up. "Hope you're hungry, Crane! Hannah and Brian have all your favorites."

Adam got him next. His voice quiet to be just between them, he asked, "You okay?"

A shrug of shoulders accompanied the reply. "I guess."

As he moved into the kitchen, Crane met each of Brian's and Hannah's eyes in turn. He managed a tight smile in response. Finally, Daniel stopped him with a firm grip on his shoulder. Crane grabbed the back of his younger brother's neck and pulled him close, no words needed.

They waited until Crane washed his hands to take their places. Adam said a simple prayer of grace and gratitude, and they dug in. Crane had not realized how famished he was. Next to him, Hannah squeezed his wrist. He smiled shyly.

Overall, it was normalcy with a dash of concern. They all had his back. He was grateful for it.

Quiet lasted only a moment after grace at the McFadden table. Guthrie was the first to speak. "Crane, how was Bakersfield? Did you see a lot of stuff?"

"Not really, squirt. Mostly the inside of conference rooms and restaurants. But the drive down was nice."

The youngest continued. "How about the ride back?"

"It was okay, but dark. Mostly listened to the radio."

"Why didn't you stay at the hotel another night before coming home?"

Crane chuckled. "Because I wanted to get home." He paused. "And didn't want to waste money on another night in a strange room."

"Why …"

"Okay, motor mouth, enough. Eat your dinner and let Crane relax." Adam admonished his youngest brother.

Hannah changed the conversation. "So how was the movie?"

Ford shrugged. "It was okay."

Evan and Daniel nodded in agreement.

Guthrie piped up. "It was great! All monsters and things being blown up!"

Evan deadpanned, "Yeah. Last time we let Guthrie pick the movie."

"You guys don't know what good is." The youngest rolled his eyes.

"All right, that went well," Adam quipped. "So how was school?"

Ford answered, "School was … school."

Evan announced, "I'm gonna try out for baseball."

Crane raised a brow. "When will you find the time?"

Evan shrugged. "I'll fit it in."

Daniel challenged, "With dance class, rodeo, and chores?"

It was Evan's turn to roll his eyes, his tone defensive. "I'll fit it in, Daniel. I already manage everything okay with football. This'll just take its place."

Brian said, "You know I played baseball in school."

Evan nodded. "That's one reason I want to do it. Figure you can help me practice."

Adam interjected, "We can all choose sides and practice with you, but make sure your grades stay up."

The fifth brother looked determined. "I will."

Hannah asked, "Daniel, how was your day?"

"It was fine."

"Just fine?" She narrowed an eye.

"Uh huh," he said flatly. "Just another day."

Evan took up the next topic. "Amy Flatley told me one of the Slater kids died yesterday. It's all over school. From a drug overdose."

"Really?" Guthrie perked up.

Crane set his fork down, sighed, and took a drink of water.

"Evan! How could you?" Daniel asked in astonishment. He and Ford looked from Evan to Crane.

"How could he what?" Guthrie asked.

"Enough, Guthrie!" Adam scolded.

Crane brought a hand to his face.

"Crane?" Hannah inquired gently, putting a reassuring hand on his arm.

He breathed through his mouth and gave her hand a squeeze. Rising, he said, "I need some air."

"Damn!" Evan said under his breath. "I'm sorry."

Brian pulled him close. "It's not your fault, partner."


	4. Chapter 4

Crane sat on the front porch. Having gone outside without a jacket, he hugged himself after a few minutes to ward off the chill. A clear, moonless night left a wide open sky bright with constellations, and although he enjoyed star-gazing with the younger boys, this night he found no joy in it.

Elbows on knees, he watched the occasional car pass on the road in front of the house, the headlights illuminating the barn for a brief second or two before it passed on. Beyond that, it was black. He found in it an analogy to life. We are here but a brief time before … Well, before … He did not care to finish the thought. He and his brothers had known enough tragedy in their young lives. As well, growing up on a ranch, they knew the cycles of life from their earliest years. But, still, when faced with it yet again … It was all so transitory.

When he broke up with Beth for the last time, raw emotions had sent him to the brink, but his famous calm pulled him back. Immersion in natural distractions of family and work was his salvation. Music helped, too. How could he forget music? But now was different. Nothing seemed of much interest, and his jumbled mind left him blank, wistful for something he could not pinpoint. She was gone. It was all so surreal.

Behind him, the door squeaked open. Damn. No one had gotten to those hinges yet.

He recognized the boot steps. Feeling his jacket being draped over his shoulders, he pulled it close. "Thanks, bro."

Daniel sat next to him, guitar in hand. "Thought it might be a good time to go over that song I'm stuck on."

Crane considered. "Which one?"

"I guess there are a few, aren't there?" Daniel smiled. "On this one I'm having trouble with the chord progression in the chorus." He strummed and began singing, "Girl, now that we're done …"

Crane put a hand over Daniel's. "Not that one."

Realization hit. "Crane, I'm sorry. I didn't mean …"

"I know."

"And here I am doing the same thing I yelled at Evan for."

"It's okay." Crane pulled Daniel close. "Stop beating yourself up."

After a companionable silence, Daniel straightened. "Bro, if you want some space, I can sleep on the couch."

Crane sighed. "That's your choice. But don't do it on my account."

~~00oo00~~

Daniel did stay in his own bed that night, but slept fitfully. Indeed, he watched Crane toss, turn, get up, return to bed, repeated like a broken record. At one point, Daniel heard him go downstairs, and sneaking a peek, he saw a muted light on at the desk. Crane hunched over a ledger. After a time, Daniel woke again as his older brother returned to bed.

Too exhausted himself, the teen felt helpless. The family could offer comfort to a point. They all took for granted a soft place to land, but only Crane could work out the feelings gnawing at him.

Breakfast came and went with yawns and quiet, Daniel realizing he was not the only one affected. Barely awake, all eight McFaddens moved their way through their morning routine as if in a trance. Making do with cold cereal and fruit, they focused on their plates, but ate little. The boys trudged to the school buses with hardly a word.

The day continued thus. By lunchtime, Adam, Brian, and Crane had checked everything off the chore list for the barn and even some from Hannah's honey-do list for the house. Adam repaired the washer panel while Brian reinforced chair legs that had loosened from being pushed out and back from the table for too long.

Crane grabbed a can of oil to apply to the hinges of the front door, but stopped as he opened it. The squeak grated like fingernails on a chalkboard, but reminded him of a time in high school when the same noisy hinges announced Beth's barging in without knocking to gloat to Brian that Jeb's prize calf had won the 4-H blue ribbon. They already knew, everyone did, but she took extra pride in it given Brian's bragging that he would beat Jeb. Good-natured teasing it was all around, and Beth blossomed in that moment: this shy young girl showing up her big brother's boastful best friend. Why he recalled it now and not last night, Crane could not reckon. He opened and closed the door several times, listening to it, the grating reverberating through his whole being. No, she was not coming through that door now, or ever. He closed it. Someone could oil it some other time.

~~00oo00~~

Serving cold leftover sandwiches and coffee for lunch, Hannah broke a dreary silence, her tone light. "What say you handsome gents come with me to town this afternoon?" She winked. "With all three of you accompanying me, I'll be the envy of everyone and can show off."

Brian looked up. "I'll go. I need to stop by the hardware store and pick up a couple of things."

"Great!" she enthused. "Adam? Crane?"

"I better stay here and finish up numbers for the proposals we got. Want to get them done before I give you a rundown on the meeting." Crane regarded all of them in turn before returning his gaze to his meal.

Adam thought a moment before speaking. "That'd be good. I was wondering what Eisley and Smith were up to."

Brian quipped, "Knowing them, probably a whole lot of no good."

The eldest addressed his wife. "Sorry, honey, but I think I'll take a pass."

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Adam nodded. "Yeah. Want to get a couple more things done and maybe take a nap before the boys get home. I'm beat."

Brian chuckled and slapped Adam on the back. "Yep, the old man needs his rest."

~~00oo00~~

The afternoon wore on. A few minutes before school buses were due, Adam descended the stairs. Stretching and yawning, he saw Crane still at the desk. "Almost finished with those?"

Crane removed his glasses. "I wish."

"Need help with any of it?" Adam asked.

"No."

"Having trouble keeping your mind on it?"

Crane nodded. "I'm sorry, Adam. I just can't shake it."

Adam grabbed his brother's shoulder. "Don't worry about it." He yawned again.

"I'll sleep in the barn tonight so everybody else can sleep."

The eldest made a face. "Like hell you will. We're all too exhausted to do anything but sleep." Glancing out the window, he saw Ford and Guthrie coming up the path. "It's just as well you stop now anyway. The rug-rats are home."

The boys came in, both somber-faced.

Adam noticed. "School couldn't have been that bad."

The youngest McFaddens glanced at each other before fishing pieces of paper from their backpacks and reluctantly offering them to Adam. Ford explained, "Our teachers want you to sign these and we have to bring them back so they know you saw them."

Adam took them and started to open one. Before he could read it, Ford admitted, "We fell asleep in class and got caught."

Guthrie sighed. "Will we have to do extra chores?"

Adam glanced at Crane, who sat somber-faced, before replying. "No. None of us got much sleep last night. It's not your fault. But you have to do your regular chores."

Two young faces lit up. "Thanks, Adam." They dropped their backpacks and ran outside.

The eldest regarded Crane. "And you're still not sleeping in the barn."

~~00oo00~~

All eight McFaddens sat down to dinner in a better mood and conversation flowed.

When Adam asked about anything new in town, Brian answered, "Not really, but I ran into Jeb Slater. He'll be here for a couple more days, so we're planning on getting together before he goes back." He stopped as he noticed all eyes on him. "What?"

Looking around the table, he was met with silence and questioning stares. He asked, "What the hell is wrong with all of you?" Standing, he threw his napkin on the table in disgust. "I'm sick and tired of walking on eggshells around here. I'm sorry about Beth, I really am, but we all know it was just a matter of time before it happened. Hell, even Jeb said as much." He caught Crane's gaze for a second before stomping out.

Adam rose, but Crane waved him down. "I'll go."

~~00oo00~~

Crane caught up with Brian at the corral fence. They stood in silence for a minute. Finally, he noted, "Nice night."

"Yeah."

"Guess I deserved that."

"Maybe." Brian paused. "Maybe not."

Crane's brow furrowed. "Huh? Bri …"

"No, let me talk. I've stayed quiet until now, but …" Brian looked at his brother. "Look, you know I don't know the right words to say at a time like this. All I hope is that you work it out. I know it's tough, but dammit, Crane, the rest of us shouldn't have to pussyfoot around."

"I don't expect you to. Never did. The reminders are just a little raw sometimes. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me." He smiled. "I'm doing a good enough job of that myself, huh?"

Brian nodded.

Crane continued. "Like I told Adam before, I can't seem to shake it, no matter what I do." He did his best to maintain his composure. "One minute everything's normal and the next, something triggers something. I just want to make peace with it."

Brian pulled him close. "I wish I had the answer for you, brother, but I don't."


	5. Chapter 5

She ran in a high meadow, a large clearing in the trees, the breeze billowing through her hair. Around her, mountains and ridges stood as sentinel to her command. Seemingly carefree, she stooped to pick flowers, gathering a bouquet she held out to him. She looked fetching. No, beautiful. More so than he had ever imagined: one with her surroundings. She looked his way, her eyes piercing him, daring him. Then, dropping the flowers, she turned to walk away.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Where you shouldn't follow."

"When will you be back?"

Her response started strong, echoing and fading as her image did. "I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't …"

Crane bolted upright in bed. Out of breath, he closed his eyes to blink back tears and tried to slow his breathing to get his racing heart under control.

"You okay?"

She was haunting his dreams, and now he was hearing voices? Damn. He really was losing his mind.

"Crane?"

A hand on his shoulder drew him back to the present. He opened his eyes.

Daniel was beside him. "Hey. It's okay, bro. Just a bad dream."

Crane shivered. Daniel pulled the quilt around him, briskly rubbing his older brother's arms through it in an attempt to warm him. A minute or two passed before Crane breathed normally.

Daniel asked, "Okay?"

Crane nodded. "Sorry."

"Stop apologizing, would ya?"

Crane replied with a weak smile.

Daniel said, "Hold on, I'll be right back." Disappearing for a moment, he returned with a glass of water and offered it to Crane, who gulped.

After draining the glass, the third eldest put it on the nightstand. Then, swinging his legs to the side of the bed, he started to rise.

Reacting, Daniel put his hands firmly on his brother's shoulders and pushed him down. "Whoa, partner, the only place you're going is back to bed."

"I can't."

"Man, you haven't been sleeping. You need to rest."

Crane shrugged and shook his head. He repeated ruefully, "I can't." With that, he stood and looked around in the dark. Spying the clothes he had thrown over a chair just a few hours before, he pulled on his jeans and shirt and grabbed his boots. Starting toward the door, he hesitated, looking back over his shoulder. Reaching above his bed, he removed something from the wall.

Daniel's mind raced but he struggled to remain calm. "Bro, whatever you have in mind, you're not going alone."

~~00oo00~~

Breakfast that morning was the usual loud, hurried affair. All at table except Crane and Daniel and halfway through their meals, Evan popped up from his chair. "I have to finish my chores."

Adam addressed him. "You don't have time."

"Adam, I'm sorry. That feed bag broke and held me up."

The eldest sighed. "That's the second bag this week. Whoever's in town next should mention it to Charlie at the feed store." He noticed the empty place to his left. "Evan, go see what's keeping Daniel and tell him to get a move on."

"Sure." Evan left the kitchen and could be heard taking the stairs two at a time.

Brian said, "I'll talk to Charlie when I'm in town. One of the spark plugs I picked up yesterday for the tractor was mislabeled and I have to exchange it. Just gotta double-check everything these days."

Evan ran back into the kitchen. "Daniel's not in his room. Neither is Crane."

Adam got up and looked out at the driveway. "The truck and the jeep are here." He also noticed two yellow buses. "Everybody out the door. Buses are here." He thought another moment. "Wait. Evan, go check the barn."

"The barn? They weren't out there when I was doing my chores. The bus is here. I'll be late for school."

Brian was on his feet. "I'll drop you off on the way to town." He grabbed Evan. "Barn. Let's go."

Adam tossed Ford and Guthrie their jackets and pushed them out the front door.

Ford stopped, worry playing at his brow. "Adam? Where …?"

A pat on the back from his eldest brother reassured him. "It'll be okay. They'll turn up."

~~00oo00~~

Hannah and Adam gathered up the breakfast dishes as Brian and Evan returned to the house.

Adam asked, "Anything?"

The two exchanged a glance before Brian responded. "Yeah. Both their horses and tack are gone, and there are fresh tracks heading out. Couldn't be more than a couple hours old."

The eldest thought on his feet. "We gotta go after them. Hannah can drop Evan at school and get Daniel excused."

Brian asked, "Why? They'll be okay."

Adam sighed. "I'm worried about Crane."

"Stop being such a dad," Brian teased. "We're all a little worried about him, but he's a big boy and will work it out. And besides, he's not alone."

Hannah grabbed Adam around the waist. "Brian's right, you know. If anybody can help Crane, it's Daniel."

~~00oo00~~

Crane and Daniel rode in silence for a couple of hours. Daniel had an idea where they might be headed but did not risk asking, lest Crane go on without him. He was here to support his brother, after all, not to be a nuisance.

Letting the horses set the pace in the dark and through dawn light, they arrived at a low ridge above a hidden glade as the sun split the horizon. The majesty of the place never failed to take any McFadden's breath away, and especially now at sunrise, two breaths caught. If one needed reason to believe, this gorgeous place would do it. No matter how many times he had seen it, Crane thought no words could adequately describe it. Magical. Maybe beautiful. Nah, they all fell short. It just was. He had seen it in his dreams.

Indeed, it was a place any of them might retreat to when needing solitude, a quiet time to relax away from life's cares. Remote from most of civilization, only horses or sturdy four-wheel-drive vehicles could reach it.

Daniel whistled low, in amazement, as if seeing it for the first time. "This place sure is pretty."

Crane reminisced. "Yeah. I brought Beth up here a few times. It was pretty special to her and always was to me."

"I remember when you took me up here after Mom and Daddy died," Daniel recalled. "It was my first time. We built a fire and just watched it, the flames flickering and the smoke rising. Not sure why, but I didn't feel so alone after that."

"Yeah, I remember that, too. I don't know why it has that feeling to it, either. It's just … I don't know. Not thinking too good right now."

"Peaceful?" Daniel suggested.

"Yeah, maybe." Crane surveyed the area. "Like church in the outdoors. It's like the breeze talks to you through the trees. You get a sense of peace just by being here."

"That's nice, bro." Daniel reflected a moment before continuing. "Crane, I know the last few days have been rough. All of us wish we could have found the right words. I feel like we fell on our faces and let you down."

"Don't." The elder brother reached out a hand to ruffle the younger's hair. "You've all been great. I didn't expect this to hit me as hard as it did. I mean, it's been a few years since … Almost doesn't make sense."

Daniel offered, "But you loved her, man. That makes all the sense in the world."

"Yeah, I guess." Crane wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "But I'll never get a chance to say good-bye. At least we got to do that with Mom and Dad."

Daniel grew quiet. Though only eight at the time, he remembered well the aftermath of their parents' deaths: the well-wishes and outpouring of love from neighbors, the overwhelming amount of meals dropped off to see them through the adjustment at home. He smiled. Yes, the food! It arrived non-stop, it seemed, and how he and his younger brothers reveled in the desserts!

As well as all that was, though, he was old enough to remember the funeral. Right in the middle of the pecking order of seven, he had stood tall with his older brothers as they took turns eulogizing their parents the best they could, through tears and smiles of memories recalled, and had also attempted to take the lead with the younger three, keeping them in line and hushed so as to take that burden off the older ones at such a difficult time. The service was nice, although he did not understand most of it. It was the ritual that struck him, the formality and finality of it.

Daniel snapped out of his reverie as Crane removed the dream catcher from a saddlebag. He related, "She gave this to me up here. I thought it was kind of girly, but the sentiment was nice. It was to catch all the dreams we had together."

Daniel added, "And it's been in that same spot on the wall all that time, even after …"

"Yeah. Even through all the bad times and breakups. For a while I still hoped …" Crane's voice caught. "Hoped we'd still make it, I guess. And then I just left it there for old times' sake, and after a while," he shrugged, "it became part of the wall." He looked at Daniel.

"I know. It would be strange not seeing it there."

"Yeah." Crane held it up. The sun's rays shone through the netting and glinted off the beads woven into it. The feathers tied to the bottom danced. He smiled.

Daniel asked, "What?"

Crane considered. "It just occurred to me. How can dreams be caught when there're so many holes in this thing?"

It was a rhetorical question, Daniel knew, but he felt moved to reply anyway. "Maybe it's like a spider web. It's holey but attracts things. So maybe things you can't see get caught, too – dreams, or even love."

"That's nice, little brother." Crane teased, "Maybe there's hope for your lyrics yet."

Without warning, the wind picked up, gusting and howling. Detritus caught in updrafts pelted the ridge, sparing neither horses nor riders. Holding on as hard as they could, they struggled to shield their faces and bring frightened horses under control. One violent burst ripped through the dream catcher as Crane jerked back his hand, shredding the netting, scattering beads and feathers. Then, just as suddenly as it had started, it dissipated. A light breeze returned, and the horses relaxed.

Shivers rushing down their spines, they fought breathlessness. Daniel recovered first. He yelled to be heard. "What was that?!"

"I don't know!" Surprised to find it still in his grasp, Crane held the dream catcher aloft. He stared at it.

Daniel sympathized. "Sorry, bro."

Crane spoke with a flatness in his voice. "It's cold. Let's build a fire."

~~00oo00~~

The sudden gusts heralded much colder temperatures. The brothers stooped around a small fire, the ground too cold to sit on. The forecast had called for clear, seasonable weather, with no mention of a front approaching. Something did not feel right, but neither could pinpoint it.

They ate the few snacks they had grabbed on their way out and sipped sparingly from the canteens, lest the cold water chill them further.

Crane peered down at the glade. Was lack of sleep finally catching up with him and affecting his vision? He stood mesmerized. The open space shimmered as it might on a hot day, but summer was months away. His breath quickening, he looked over his shoulder to make sure the fire was behind him. It was, and the smoke billowed in the opposite direction, away from the clearing. He panicked as he realized it played no part in what he observed.

Daniel noticed his brother's sudden agitation but could find no words.

Fighting to blink back tears but to no avail, Crane picked up the dream catcher and threw it into the fire. He stared as the flames sputtered, the torn dream catcher a slow burn until finally engulfed, and the fire grew ever bigger and brighter.

Crane sank to his knees and wept the deep cry of the grief-stricken and brokenhearted. Fighting back his own tears, Daniel knelt beside him and pulled him close, holding on for dear life.


	6. Chapter 6

The campfire had already extinguished itself, but Daniel kicked dirt and poured some of the water from his canteen on it for extra measure. Though still cool, the day had warmed to a comfortable temperature.

Crane sat near the edge of the ridge. While cathartic, the events of the morning had exhausted him further, and his tired mind worked overtime to make sense of it. He no longer saw the shimmer in the glade below. Still, it played upon his memory like a high lonesome, plaintive and unforgettable. One part of him wanted to hold on to it; another to erase it altogether. He would settle for somewhere in the indistinguishable middle.

Daniel sat down beside him and offered a canteen. Crane took it and sipped. The cool wet revived him somewhat.

"I found these." Daniel held two feathers in his hand. "They must be all that's left of the dream catcher."

Crane took and examined them. "Never noticed they were eagle feathers."

"Maybe Hannah can put them in a shadow box."

"Maybe."

"And maybe add that verse from church a couple Sundays ago."

Crane fought to recollect what Daniel referred to, until it hit him. "You mean, 'To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven'?"

"Yeah."

Crane continued, "A time to be born, and a time to die …" His voice faltered.

Daniel rubbed his brother's back. "But don't forget, a time to weep, a time to mourn, and especially a time to heal. I know they're not in that order, but they're there."

"Guess they are." Crane thought a minute. "What do you think about repainting the room?"

"Whatever you want, bro."

~~00oo00~~

The pair arrived home in the early afternoon to find Brian at work on the tractor near the barn and Adam and Hannah looking on.

The trio turned their attention to the riders. Hannah greeted them. "Glad you're back. Anybody for lunch?"

Crane shook his head.

Daniel explained, "We're gonna ride up to the house."

Brian noted, "Tractor's done. Could use a beer." He joined Adam and Hannah as they trailed the horses.

Adam thought he had never seen either of his brothers look so spent.

As Crane slowly dismounted at the house, his eldest brother caught his gaze. Crane spoke in a low tone. "I'm going upstairs."

Adam squeezed his shoulder. "Get some rest."

The third eldest nodded. He climbed the porch stairs and went inside.

Daniel followed but stopped at three questioning looks. He reassured all present. "It's okay." He started up the steps but stopped, turning to Adam. "I'll get Crane settled, but can I take your room for a nap? Don't want to disturb him."

"Uh huh."

~~00oo00~~

Everyone went about pre-dinner chores and dinner preparations like church mice, avoiding every possible noise. The mood was not quite back to normal, but lighter than the pall-like curtain that had hung at times the past couple of days.

Daniel came downstairs stretching and yawning. Hannah thought he looked a little refreshed but still in need of shuteye. With something to eat and a fairly normal evening routine, she hoped he might be in shape to face the school day tomorrow.

She pulled Adam aside to suggest he see if Crane might want dinner. As the eldest ascended the stairs, déjà vu put him back to that morning a couple days ago and the phone call that had started it all. He had come full circle.

Pausing yet again outside his brothers' room, Adam opened the door. Crane was asleep on his side, fully clothed sans boots. Like that fateful time, he looked peaceful, dead to the world. Yep, that word again. This time, Adam felt sad but hopeful. He approached the bed and stopped. No, he would not wake his brother. Instead, he grabbed the quilt from Daniel's bed and unfurled it over Crane. The rest of the weary would prevail.

~~00oo00~~

Next morning, Adam and Hannah came downstairs early. They found Crane at work at the desk, still in the clothes he had on yesterday. He smiled sheepishly in greeting. Adam thought he looked rested but still could not allay his concern.

The eldest remarked, "Hope you haven't been up all night."

Crane stretched. "Since about two." He yawned.

Hannah asked, "How'd you sleep?"

"Like a log."

Adam smiled. "Good. That had to be about twelve hours."

Crane shrugged. "Maybe. I wasn't counting." He yawned again.

"Take it easy today and get a good night's sleep tonight and maybe you'll be back to normal."

"Hope so. Could use a shower. Hope the rug-rats leave me some hot water." Crane nodded to the ledgers in front of him. "Wanted to get these numbers done while it was nice and quiet so we can go over those proposals from the meeting after breakfast."

"Sounds good." Adam thought, maybe they could start that day over again after all, or at least make an attempt. He squeezed Crane's shoulder. "Welcome home, brother."

-Fini.


End file.
